FIFA 2014

Ahhhh, the joys of sports. Why would we even bother watching if we knew the results beforehand? As we all know, the team who is supposed to win will win, and the statistics will always prove to be correct 100 percent of the time in the end. I saw Brad Pitt in Moneyball, so I know how this game is played.

I also know that Madden never gets the Super Bowl wrong, except when it picks Peyton Manning to win *suckers*, and EA Sports is going to be absolutely right in predicting that Germany will win the FIFA World Cup 2014 in Brazil. Why? Because numbers, that's why.

If all this plays out as the EA Sports Gods have foreseen it, Germany will beat out Brazil in the final game by a score of 2-1 in extra time. EA's presser reads like a true sports column.

The Final itself was an epic battle as Brazil squared off against Germany in a repeat of the 2002 World Cup Finals. The Brazilian 'samba boys' got off to an impressive start, overwhelming Germany with their skill, speed and free-flowing football.The early pressure paid off as Neymar found space behind the German backline and beat Manuel Neuer one-on-one, making him the tournament's top scorer in the process.

Sadly, my Pikachu-sponsored Blue Samurai Japanese National Soccer Team isn't even going to make it into the Round of 16, meaning that they're fourth seed ranking in Group C is well deserved. Congrats to Andrés Iniesta at least, who scored the best goal of the tournament in his game against England.

Now excuse me folks, I have some life savings I need to use to make some bets on. I mean, when has EA ever let us down before?