Well, that was quick. Sony has officially stopped production of the PSP Go. After two years of poor sales and poor consumer reception, this portable refresh has kicked the bucket. The cause of death? We’ll get there.

It’s not like the thing lead a wondrous life, either. This handheld had problems from the start; the devastating kind. It was like Sony was biding their time for the NGP, so they rolled out a half-baked, albeit smart looking, device that stood counter to the company’s general purpose. The PSP Go had “Error” written all over it, and it seems Sony’s were the only eyes that were oblivious.

The PSP Go is survived by side-effects. The first of which are cramping hands. You probably didn’t use your PSP Go long enough to develop carpel tunnel, but those ten minutes that you held the device had you writhing in pain. Once the unit is slid open, the thumbstick and shoulder buttons are roughly 18 leagues apart. 19,982 leagues further and there’d have been giant squids. Read more if you don’t get the reference.

All that distance between buttons meant your hands had to physically transform in order to remain comfortable. That’s right, the only beasts comfortable holding the PSP Go are extinct: prehistoric birds. Their claws probably fit the PSP Go perfectly. We assume Sony product tested this thing at the Smithsonian before starting production.

PSP UMD Funeral

Hand cramps we could get over, really. But why ditch the UMD format for digital distribution? Sure, sure, the device wouldn’t have been possible with the UMD drive in place. And the UMD medium itself was rife with its own problems. But Sony introduced the stuff like it was the second coming. They swore they were going to revolutionize the software medium market. Remember UMD movies? How about UMD music players? Yeah.

So now they decided to roll out a device that played UMD games without UMDs. Not only did that go against the medium that Sony backed as the next big thing, but it also made the UMD dead for anyone that owned the discs. You couldn’t play all of your PSP games on the PSP Go. You had to redownload some of them from the PlayStation Store. They went and rendered their already lacking library completely useless. And they angered consumers in the process.

We love evolution. Tech needs it in order to consistently trend upwards. But within the actual process of evolution itself lies the principle of natural selection. The PSP Go had to die off in order for the rest of the gaming kingdom to survive.

Here’s to you, PSP Go. We honestly won’t miss you at all. Hopefully you had to die so the NGP could have life.