After seeing Noah’s Top 5 Phones post, I was inspired to write my own. But after reading treasure troves of hate comments that resided below his story, I was inspired past the brink of inspiration to write this. That’s because most of you are probably going to hate my top 5 phone list, but I will justify each of my entries to the best of my ability. Keep in mind that this is my list of personal preferences and it does not in any way serve as a fascist manifesto geared to subliminally convert you to my sordid mobile ways. These 5 phones you’re about to read about are special to me because they have proven themselves within the anarchic spectrum of smartphone market warfare after all these years. For the sake of topical fodder, and knowing that half of you are old enough to be my kids if I lived in the South, I’ll keep my picks current. So, sit back, strap on your flamethrower and get ready to blast me over my top 5 ultimate phone countdown.

1. Apple iPhone 4 for AT&T


Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get it out of your systems, Androidians. Are you finished? Splendid, now let me stake my case here. I grew up on Windows machines. I remember playing games on Prodigy and installing Windows 95 over and over again. When it was time to upgrade from my portable CD player, if any of you younguns know what one of those was, I chose an Archos Jukebox 20 because it played nicely with Windows. I used Winamp, and routinely bought Norton Antivirus year after year. Then, 292 crashes and 14 heart attacks later, I decided to take the road less traveled by and buy a Mac, and that, my friends, has made all the difference. There’s no doubt about the fact that Apple products are a few rungs above the competition when it comes to build quality and performance.

I’ve never had a virus or crash with my two-year-old MacBook Pro, and my iPhone 4 has never given me any guff. Steve Jobs is right—he really doesn’t sell crap. When I look at the iPhone 4’s aluminum and glass design and compare that to one of 173 Blandroid phones and their flimsy plastic construction and frequent Force Stop requirements, I can sleep soundly knowing I made the right choice with Apple. Plus, think about this. Apple releases one phone per year and it’s probably the most popular on the market. One! How many lackluster Android phones are produced every week? That’s what I thought. Okay, turn up the flames on the grill and toss me on. I like it medium-well.

2. BlackBerry Bold 9780 for T-Mobile

Although my favorite BlackBerry phone of all time was the 1st generation Pearl because of the actual track ball and portable size, I would get a Bold 9780 in a heartbeat if I wasn’t with AT&T. BlackBerrys are not for everyone, I know that. But I rarely indulge in the unnecessary online fanfare that has become ingrained within our social landscape. For instance, I don’t take my phone out at dinner and Facebook chat the person across the table “What are you having for dinner?” Nor do I whip it out to Google every other word someone is saying in a conversation. That’s just plain obnoxious. But, I do admire a phone that offers exceptional call quality, battery life, and camera performance. The BlackBerry Bold 9780 could be matched by few contenders when it came to that triforce of features, and for that, the phone resides at the #2 spot here on my list. Sure, it has online capability, but it’s not the best. I do like BlackBerry 6 OS, and the Bold 9780 is highly portable. But that camera quality, I’m telling you—it rocks! You really can’t go wrong with a BlackBerry. I also love the BlackBerry Style as an honorable mention here. Really, I’m just a sucker for Brick Breaker.

3. Casio GzOne Ravine for Verizon


What the hell? Now you really hate my guts. Well guess what? You can eat my shorts! The Casio GzOne Ravine ate more than that when I beat the mother-loving marshmallow fluff out of the poor unfortunate soul. I pelted the thing with water grenades, ran it over with my truck, tossed it into a pond, smothered it with ice, smashed a pumpkin on it, played street hockey with it, and insulted it at close range. At the end of my Spanish Inquisition (nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!) the Casio GzOne Ravine’s puny screen was dangling by a wire. But guess what? The thing still made perfect calls to 1-800-FLOWERS. So to all you haters out there who knock on antiquated, clamshell flip phones, let me ask you this: what would happen if you so much as dropped your precious touchscreen chachka from three feet onto an asphalt parking lot? I shattered the screens of a Samsung Captivate and Motorola Atrix 4G by inadvertently dropping them from a few feet onto concrete. I know that PTT flip phones are not in high demand, but the Ravine performed exceptionally when it came to call quality, battery life and durability. Let’s put it this way. If the Casio GzOne Ravine had a cage match against any Android phone, there would be Gingerbread shrapnel everywhere.

4. Nexus S for Sprint


If you’re going to give me Android, give me the stripped-down, bare bones Google experience. The pre-Pimp My Ride if you will. There’s nothing I despise more than a RAM-sucking UI like MOTOBLUR or TouchWIZ and their inane widgets that make me feel like my head is about to explode like the guy from Scanners. So that’s why I love the Nexus S phones. They only offer you a Google account to sign into. You want Facebook? Are you a little Tweety Bird? How about Yahoo Messenger? Get them from the Market yourself! It’s kind of like the New Jersey/New York mentality I grew up with. New Jersey: Where the weak are killed and eaten. No weaklings allowed with the Nexus S. This is pure Gingerbread. I love the revamped keyboard and its punctuation menus. Highlighting text is a snap. And the phone is a Speed Racer. The battery life on the Nexus S rocks, and its curved design seems as though it belongs in a section of the MoMA. Yes, if I had to go with an Android phone, it would be the Nexus S, but only because it’s the closest thing to an iPhone that I could think of. The horror!

5. HTC Inspire 4G for AT&T


And if I had to choose another Android phone, it would be the Inspire 4G. Why? Because I spent a few months with the entertainment machine and it was good. Yes, I actually liked HTC Sense because it made me feel like I was in a cartoon with all of the hot animations transpiring at every swipe or tap. The Inspire was fast, its screen was impressive and it will forever be known as the phone that brought me Wordfeud. By the way, if anyone wants to get their ass handed to them, my Wordfeud name is Dr. Vocabulary. Moving on, the most alluring aspect of the HTC Inspire 4G was its $100 price tag. Although I was using a review unit, I remember contemplating the Inspire in the AT&T store before splashing myself briskly in the face with a bucket of water and buying the iPhone 4. I know I could have listed the HTC ThunderBolt, the Sensation, the Jubilation, the Elation, the Scrumdiddlyumptious, the, alright, I made up the last three. Although, I will be the first one in line when they release the Scrumdiddlyumptious, no matter what the carrier. I don’t even care who makes it–mark my words, I will be the world’s first owner of the Scrumdiddlyumptious phone when it comes out. But at the end, it was the price tag that sold me. Considering that feature phones are only $20-30 cheaper than the Inspire, it’s inspiring to pay only a little bit more for an inspiring phone. How lame was that? Oh lordy, I can’t wait to read the comments. This is going to be like Christmas.