Samsung Galaxy Note II - Huge - GodzillaI’m not going to change any minds when I argue that the Samsung Galaxy Note II is too damn big, and that’s perfectly fine. But that doesn’t mean I still don’t think its size isn’t completely outrageous and insane. Sure, you get more real estate to do fun stuff, but sheesh, the device is like one of those excessively ridiculous Hummer limos. It’s a launching pad on an aircraft carrier. An 18-wheeler would have trouble moving this thing cross-country. Companies that use highway billboards might want to consider using the Note II instead as advertising space. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone was able to spot Samsung’s new device in Google’s Satellite View. Here’s a ridiculous comparison between the Note II and some everyday items.

samsung-galaxy-note-ii-vs-kindle-paperwhiteAmazon’s new Kindle Paperwhite is pretty fantastic. Its small size is perfectly portable and resembles the experience of an actual paperback as closely as any digital gadget has before it. And the Galaxy Note II is not much smaller. In fact, the screen is nearly the same as the Paperwhite’s, which makes me think Samsung is probably aiming for that size in the next iteration of the Note. The Note III, now 6.5-inches tall and 4.5-inches wide. I bet if you blindfolded someone and handed them the two devices one-by-one, it would be difficult to decipher between the two.

samsung-galaxy-note-ii-vs-wireless-phoneOur office phone gets plenty of use. Landline phones used to be huuuuuge, but have obviously scaled back significantly in our pursuit for more svelte home gadgets. But while stuff in our home gets smaller, portable devices that reside in our pockets are getting bigger. So congratulations, your smartphone is as big as a home phone from five years ago. I guess it’s true that fads tend to get recycled after they go out of style.

samsung-galaxy-note-ii-vs-poptartI love Pop Tarts. Who doesn’t? They were a favorite of mine when I was younger, and things haven’t changed a bit as I’ve gotten older. But were they always this small? The Galaxy Note II is astonishingly big compared to your standard Pop Tart, and in fact has a good inch on the tasty treat. How about this? Let’s double the duty of Samsung’s new device by using it as a makeshift gurney. A Pop Tart is now just Note II filling.

samsung-galaxy-note-ii-vs-pizza-sliceLook at that little zombie crust nub reaching for the Note II. It’s like, “Why are you so biiiiiig. Maaaah. Blargh.” It’s true, the device is nearly the size of an average sized pizza slice, which is a depressing insight into our desire for XL. Instead of small, medium or large, people will one day request the Note II size as a unit of measurement. “Yes, I’ll have a Note II pepperoni with red onions and mushrooms. And make my drink a Note II as well.” Unless you live in New York City.

Your wonderful new toy is nearly the size of a leather skin-textured  7-11 beef jerky. One bite out of that piece of dried up meat and you won’t be able to tell which is which. The picture actually makes Samsung’s Yokozuna device look kind of normal, but I assure you the piece of jerky is not much bigger. In fact, the Note II gobbled up the food right after I snapped the photo. It’s a beast.

samsung-galaxy-note-ii-vs-walletWallets are annoying. They’re bulky, cumbersome and just making sitting annoying. That’s why I don’t ever use one unless I have to. But my phone is with me at all times, though I don’t want to be uncomfortably reminded of this fact as it’s protruding out of my pant’s pocket. If it can even fit at all, which it does only just.

Take a dollar bill out of your pocket and hold it up to your ear. That’s just about how tall the Note II is — nearly 6-inches. And obviously the Note II is packing more girth. I guess the moral of this one is to be careful when you tote your Note II in your pocket — thieves might mistake it for a wad of cash. That’s never good.

It’s weird. A device like the Kindle Fire HD isn’t really all that big, and that’s great. But while the Note II is physically smaller, it’s humungous in the hand. Like a raised truck people from out of town drive. Like I said, smartphone dysmorphia. Tablets want to be smartphones, while smartphones want to be tablets. This is the most fully realized phablet there is, as you can plainly see.

This baby notepad is shriveling up in fear beside the Note II. It’s already been surpassed by tablets, not only in functionality, but in size. And the Note II is quickly following. I mean, that’s what the S Pen is for, right? To scribble notes and draw smiley faces? “Oh this, just taking notes on my Note.” It was meant to be that way, until your middle school teacher says no electronics in class. Boo. It’s now harder than ever to hide your smartphone during Sustained Silent Reading.

Have your Note II and keys in the same pocket? Sucks, because you’ll be digging forever when you try to pull your keys out. The Note II will dominate your pocket and anything inside it. I mean, all smartphones are bigger than your average set of keys, but devices that rival your school janitor’s set is verging on the ridiculous. Those keys are like a smartphone knife. If the Note II went to battle with another gadget, the sumo device would yield these keys as its main weapon.

So who cares

You shouldn’t if you want the Note II. I played with the device and it’s great, but the size makes it difficult for me to use comfortably. That doesn’t mean you won’t like it, though. FYI, all of these comparisons are meant as a joke, so don’t take it seriously. Don’t.

The Note II is packing a lot of neat features — ones that I can’t really ever see myself using on a phone, but maybe on a tablet — which is obviously why its so highly coveted. Great, fine, pick up a Note II when it hits your carrier. I won’t. I’d rather eat a Pop Tart.