As I was sitting down in my cockpit to give Gran Turismo 6 a whirl, I remembered that I haven't driven a car in five years. Perhaps a controller option would be better for me? Oh, they don't have it. What's the worse that could happen?

Well, if those spectators were real, I think my body count would be giving Sylvester Stallone a run for his money. I could not control this game, again spoiled by Mario Kart arcade machines and the undeniable lust for speed and risks caused by years of Burnout.

I am no driving expert. I am no car expert. I just play video games, and to me, Gran Turismo is too realistic to be considered a "video game." I've never had a constructive relationship with the series in the past, and this latest entry in Sony's mega-popular franchise did very little to change my mind.

I ended up being lapped before my race ended, and to its credit, the game did not let me win with a rubber-band difficulty curve. I was horrible, and the game let me and all of my spectators know it. A controller option might have helped me, but it was not meant to be.

For those interested in the racing wheel option, it does have a great amount of resistance and replicates the vibrations of a real car decently enough.

Gran Turismo 6 will be released on the PlayStation 3 on Dec. 6. And Criterion. Please. I need some Burnout. What magic can you ring out of 17 people?

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