As the technology industry continues to flourish and engulf all within its fireball path, the number of voices reporting on its monumental progress are increasing at a rate that is faster than breeding rabbits. I’m referring to the plethora of tech bloggers and journalists who collectively throw their hats into the ring and bust out the digital megaphone in an attempt to be louder than the next guy, despite the fact that they’re all reporting on the same thing. Everywhere you turn, there’s a tech site uncovering the latest gadget and sometimes link-baiting unsuspecting readers into viewing an opinionated fairytale. And that’s what kills me about this profession—the self-proclaimed tech reporters who write preposterously slanted op-ed rants about meaningless subjects such as smartphone cases and video game controllers having too many buttons.

There’s one writer in particular that really chaps my ass. He continues to pump out a deluge of literary rubbish week after week using superfluous vernacular to fluff his meaningless arguments. In fact, I’ll venture to surmise that this insidious bastard has a Roget’s thesaurus and Merriam-Webster dictionary super glued to the backs of each hand based on the surplus of Dr. Seussian similes and metaphors that taint each and every one of his baseless articles. I’m talking, of course, about Mike Perlman. Who hired this jackass!? TechnoBuffalo used to be a reputable source for the latest in technology, and he came along and knocked the ice cream cones out of everyone’s hands. Yes, Mike Perlman is an opinionated weed that needs to be plucked from the TechnoBuffalo garden.

First of all, it’s obvious that Mike Perlman is a bonefide Apple fanboy. All he blabs about is how no other phone can match the glistening superiority of the coveted iPhone. iPhone this, iPhone that. iThink Mike Perlman should shut his rambling iMouth! What a pigheaded, obstinate virus, that Mike Perlman is! iHate him! iWant him to ride his motorcycle off a cliff and die. Not everyone in the world uses or prefers Apple products, nor do they care to hear the infinitesimally insignificant balderdash being spouted from the keyboard of this pestiferous mutant. Mike Perlman should go to Microsoft Bootcamp and follow that with an Android Summer Camp. All of his precious Apple products should be stripped from his person—the iPhone, the MacBook Pro, the iPod—everything must go, liquidation style. Then, he will truly embrace the open source power of the world! Until then, he’s just a meaningless Apple fanboy with no friends.

Mr. Perlman also lacks the ability to compose a proper argument that is fortified with compelling facts and supplemental data. To compensate for this, the talentless hack utilizes pleonastic verbiage in an attempt to lead the reader astray from the fulcrum of the story. Voracious vocabulary, punctilious punctuation and conflagrant contexts are maladroitly loaded into a bush-league slingshot and catapulted at unsuspecting readers in order divert the attention from Mr. Perlman’s innate inability to indubitably incite intelligence. His insufferable drivel somehow manages to ooze through the scrutinizing TechnoBuffalo quality control portal week after week for reasons undisclosed, and I propose to put an end to Perlman and his highfalutin hullabaloo!

Aye, cast ye pity upon the unfortunate souls who suffer the throes of fruitless poppycock launched in their general vicinity by a most pernicious hellbeast that is Apple biased as the day is diagonal! He who cast fiery fire upon the avacado-hued face of Android, the pugnacious smasher of Windows, the repugnant, vile wretch armed with Marshmallow Fluff words and cream puff ideas! Burn the witch! Drown the contemptible scourge in a caustic sea of its own nugatory drivel!

To make matters even worse, Mr. Perlman hails from New Jersey, the armpit of the United States of America. Lore has it that he grew up next to a superfund site and drank the water as a child. The complex biological properties of the mutated microbial chains in the neon green water accelerated the irrational portions of his brain, which resulted in a severely damaged being that rivals the Toxic Avenger. Mr. Perlman summered on beaches where Jellyfish shot up with syringes, visited his Grandma near the factories where 90% of the world’s artificial flavors and smells are manufactured and had an Uncle Frank who was a barber that lived in a mansion and carried around a violin case. Although the fact that Mr. Perlman is a New Jersey native grants him a pass for possessing an exceedingly opinionated and obnoxious mouth, his inability to think and write like a normal person is inexcusable and should incontrovertibly lead to his inevitable termination from TechnoBuffalo.

In closing, I’d like to leave you with actual comments from a select number of Mike Perlman’s fans. I believe these comments will solidify my point that the witch must be burned—the disease purged. Only then will TechnoBuffalo be righteous and pure again.

“Please just talk like a normal person next time.”

“Your posts are $%^#ing sh*#!”

“What a douchey article.”

“It was almost uncomfortable reading this.”

“You litterally offend hundreds-to thousands of people with each post.”

“I think this article was completely irrelevant.”

“This was pointless, The jokes were horrible. Plain and Simple, This Article is one of the worst i have seen on this website.”

“I love TechnoBuffalo, but getting sick of Mike’s articles.”

“this mike guy sucks jon…i think you need to rethink some of your staff and writers.”

“OMG … I wasted 15-20 mins of so reading some mediocratic bull-sh%#..”

“stupid apple fanboy…”

“Mike pull the Iphone out of your butt man its making you blind.”

“Alright Mike, we get it. You have a great vocabulary. Get over it!”

“Please get fired, please get fired, please get fired!!!”

And lastly, for your enjoyment, please feel free to print out the official Mike Perlman Dartboard and use it whenever you feel a wave of hatred from one of his articles. It’ll certainly clean up the comment section.