It seems like this year more than any year in the past, the big names of E3 are eager to spill some pretty big beans before the show. Just this week, in fact, Bethesda unveiled a new Fallout game ahead of their first E3 press conference. Seems pretty weird, right?

Well, we know what’s up. There’s only one reason all these companies would be telling us what we expect to hear ahead of time.

They have some massive, megaton, earth-shattering announcements ready to go. We’re talking top-secret, black helicopter, briefcases-chained-to-wrists kind of stuff here.

Here are our bold predictions for what we think could happen at E3 this year. Fair warning, we might have gone too far.

Half-Life 3 announced… during Nintendo’s E3 Direct video


Imagine it: Gabe Newell walks from offscreen into Nintendo’s Direct video and says four words:

Three. Today.

Screens start melting. There are runs on stores for Wii U consoles. Nintendo’s stock climbs through the roof. They buy out Microsoft and Sony. Iwata is elected Emperor of Japan. Gaben glows, grossly incandescent, and reveals his true nature as an ascendant being and all watching experience enlightenment indescribable.

The PC Master Race falls to its knees in defeat, screaming futilely.

This is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with the release of Half-Life 3 on Wii U.

A New Nintendo IP announced… and it’s a free-to-play MOBA


We know a new Zelda is coming, and Star Fox is on the horizon, too. Then, Samus Aran, the famous bounty hunter, appears on screen! Is it finally a new Metroid game?!

Samus then takes down a few creeps with her arm cannon, standing alongside Kirby, Mario, and the Animal Crossing villager as they face off against some of Nintendo’s villains.

That’s right: Nintendo is making their own MOBA. Nintendo might keep its stuff to its own platform, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to try their hand at the genre that’s taking the PC gaming world by storm and trying to break out onto other consoles.

Of course, being that this is a MOBA, it would be free to play. Samus is just a scant $9.99, plus extra for new skins.

Kingdom Hearts 3 is a Disney Infinity game


It’s finally here. The day many Kingdom Hearts fans have been waiting for: We get a release date! But that’s not all.

We’ve seen many of our favorite Disney characters in the world of Kingdom Hearts, but now we’ll get the chance to see our favorite Kingdom Hearts characters as Disney Infinity toys!

Rather than assembling your team by picking up new characters in some long, drawn out story, you’ll be able to pick up your favorite characters at launch – if you can get them!! – and have your dream team right from the start. Sora, Roxas, Goofy, Donald, and all the other characters will be available probably nowhere. Say hello to eBay.

Konami announces Silent Hills, a free to play retirement home sim


Konami said after the cancellation of Silent Hills that they’re going to concentrate primarily on mobile and that they’re still committed to their core franchises.

The only logical step is that the next Silent Hill game will be a mobile game.

In the tradition of games like Tiny Tower and Pixel People comes Silent Hills, a retirement home sim with pixel art. Sure, there’s still death and dementia, but now it’s shown through cute pixel art. And the nurses have eyes. Two regular eyes.

Just like how Silent Hill was a town that shaped itself to fit the psychosis of its victims, Silent Hills is a place that, given enough time and microtransactions, you can shape to fit your vision while making the elderly inhabitants happy with their surroundings.

Microsoft announces cheaper Xbox SKU… and it’s Kinect Only


Just last week we mused about the possibility that Microsoft might not even mention Kinect at E3 this year. But we’ve rethought this stance. We think they’re going to double-down. A cheaper Xbox One SKU will be announced, just $250, but it’ll be Kinect only. No controller. The Xbox One is the ultimate media box/Harmonix game player for the modern home. Why hurt the experience with a controller?

Now that you’ve wiped the tears way – tears of anger, distress, or laughter – what other nightmares could you imagine coming out of E3?