Remember reading that oft-shared article about “If Programming Platforms Were Cars”? Well I started thinking along the same lines. What if the big – and up and coming – video platforms were actually cars? Here’s my look at which ones they might be.
An extra-long BlueBird school bus, painted in super-bright yellow, red and orange, it includes a hot tub on the roof, a diving board, trampoline, bungie jump and a crush of tiny creators stuck in the back, stepping all over each other trying to get into the good seats up front.
It looks like a Ferrari, fills up on super-premium gasoline mixed with diamond dust, and makes a lot of noise as it passes you on the freeway. Unfortunately no one really understands how it all works under the hood. Some suspect hamsters. Lots of ‘em.
A Yugo driven by a 15 year-old heartthrob from New Zealand, with three dancing teens in the back and a morose convenience store clerk up-front navigating. It runs on virtual hydrogen, which means it mostly gets pushed around by its fans.
An ancient rusty Citroen, belching diesel fuel, which surprisingly just keeps running and running. Leaves a vaguely acrid smell of oysters, spoiled champagne and day-old bread in its wake.
The most mysterious car on the road, often mentioned, but never seen. Tantalizing hints of alabaster fenders and sapphire hubcaps detract from the lack of concrete details and a release date. Still, the company claims lots of celebrities are on the waiting list, but when pressed claim they lost the order sheets.
A shiny new self-driving car that oddly goes nowhere special.
A shiny new self-driving car that oddly goes only to the mall. The ear-splitting sound system is mounted on the roof, and starts blaring Nickleback’s Rockstar whenever you start it up.
Gleefully patterned on the three-wheeled Reliant Robin – one of the hardest cars in the world to drive — it’s been eagerly embraced by snot-nosed teenagers and philandering spouses on the wrong side of 40 looking for a little roll around now and again. Oh, and you have to drive standing up.
A modified version of the miniature Smart Fortwo, it starts violently lurching to the right after about six seconds of driving. Designed for Riverdale Utah, the town with the most roundabouts per capita in the world, it’s really only happy driving in circles. For short distances. Over and over again. And again. And again.
Although it started out as a bicycle, with the addition of a windshield, supercharged engine and a seatbelt, it is now be classified as a car. Designed by Mr. Coffee, unfortunately the gas tank only holds four cups of fuel. Thus it has a range of just 22 yards before it runs out of gas.
A stripped down, rudimentary vehicle, more go-cart than car, that’s been given away for free to anyone in the world. Unfortunately it only comes in “baby”, “kitten” and “puppy” colors. Now driven by nearly a quarter of the world’s population, it continuously tells the CIA where you’re going, who you’re with, and what you did when you got there. And you can’t see out of the windows, because they’re used to display a constantly rotating selection of relevant advertising – both to the occupants and those around them. Still, it’s free and everyone drives one, so why not you?
What happens when your friends got together and decided to build a car, but halfway through ended up get bored and start looking at pictures of babies and puppies. It drives like crap, but at least you and your pals have your memories. Runs on hashtags and good intentions.
That’s all I got. But let’s make this interactive. See what you can come up with and I’ll update this with your suggestions in the next few weeks!