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I Don’t Care About the iPhone 5

by Mike Perlman | September 19, 2011September 19, 2011 6:30 pm PDT

The first-generation iPhone was indubitably the most efficacious portable communication device ever to hit the mobile market back in 2007. No other phone, let alone gadget, has ever achieved a comparable level of fanfare since the touchdown of original iPhone upon the consumer electronics landing strip. The iPhone’s radical approach to mobile communication not only triggered a domino effect of sequential light bulbs firing off over millions of consumer’s heads worldwide, but the phone skewered the competition and slow roasted it over an open pit.

Let’s consider what we were dealing with back in the antediluvian age of 2007. Hell, the Motorola RAZR was still popular. What we referred to as a “smartphone” a mere four years ago may resemble Dopey of the Seven Dwarves by today’s standards. I was using a BlackBerry Pearl only for Brick Breaker and its wafer-like form factor, though superior options were few and far between. Windows was certainly not doing anything particularly exciting, and every other manufacturer seemed to be stagnating in a molasses puddle of underspec’ed feature phone hoopla.

Steve Jobs said the first iPhone was five years ahead of the competition, and while that statement may not hold its value in terms of the phone’s technology today, it certainly does in regard to its popularity. The iPhone is still the most popular gadget on the planet—I don’t care how you slice it. Whether it’s the first iPhone, the iPhone 5000 or Robot iPhone that does household chores and takes care of the kids like Rosie from The Jetsons, any product cranked out of Cupertino’s shaggin’ wagon with the name “iPhone” will be a winner.

And that’s why I couldn’t care less about the iPhone 5. Yes, even as a diehard Apple aficionado—dare I say connoisseur—waiting for the iPhone 5 to launch is about as interesting as watching grass grow, listening to a Katy Perry song or enduring reality TV. I just don’t give a damn. I already hawked the 200 smackers and signed my name in blood back in May for an iPhone 4 and a 2-year AT&T deathgrip, so what could I possibly want from the iPhone 5 that the iPhone 4 is not giving me now? According to history, Apple has not made any stupendous alterations to iOS, and based on the beta versions of iOS 5, we can expect it to stray quite mildly from that user-friendly comfort zone.

The design will still resonate with iconic Apple eye sex (iSex—now there’s a thought, Mr. Cook!) and manage to retain its Playboy Bunny-like figure in order to bring all the fanboys to the yard. Yet, the emphasis on minimalism will be unwaveringly upheld, enabling Apple to post giant billboards with stark white backgrounds and its sleek, rectangular electronic trinket hovering in space with a flippant shadow for everyone to salivate over as they walk into lampposts. I’m not going to speculate on the iPhone 5, unlike the other journalists who are painting the fence white with scuttlebutt. I’d rather stand back and acknowledge the fence when it’s finished, then pole-vault a leg over my Kawasaki ZRX1200 and execute a hellacious burn-out in front of the said fence, creating a Jackson Pollock of toasted rubber before rocketing away beneath an effulgent sunset, to a world devoid of Apple propaganda.

Apple are wizards at what they do. The company’s clandestine marketing tactics send fanboys and analysts into cataclysmic states of flurry that rival clueless tweens at a Justin Bieber concert. I still believe the iPhone 4 is the most optimally performing smartphone on the market in terms of its peanut buttery operation and Cool Whip-like transitions, and it certainly deserves the J.D. Power Wireless Smartphone Customer Satisfaction Study award for the 6th consecutive time.

But the iPhone 5 really doesn’t matter. It’s just another iPhone in another calendar year and will soon be forgotten in a pair of months after its initial release, just like the iPhone 3G, 3GS and iPhone 4 sequels. The same rebarbative sidewalk-engulfing lines of sheep/human hybrids will spew out of Apple store mouths in the coming weeks, but I’ll be up in New England somewhere, flogging wooded trails on my Honda CRF or taking my wolfdog Lucy on an autumnal expedition through Acadia National Park while my iPhone 4 is left to dwell on the counter at home.

Remember Rocky 5? Me either.


Mike Perlman

Mike Perlman grew up in Nintendo Land and developed a relationship with all things electronic and nerdy early on in his childhood career. Today,...

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