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How I Deal With Email Scammers (A Delightful Rant)

by Mike Perlman | September 16, 2011September 16, 2011 12:20 pm PDT

I’ve never been formerly acquainted with Tatum Cardoza, Hedvig Anghie, or Fi Fi Vestibule, nor have I ever possessed the unwavering desire to join the Big Beautiful Singles network. At 28, I am quite concupiscent enough to abolish the need for Viagra, Cialis, Levitra or “MuchMore!” courtesy of the Internet’s #1 Pharmacy. Forgive me if my desire to open a message entitled “男女 名錶!先看貨 再付錢!gucci 勞力士 lv 香奈兒 卡地亞 應有盡有~下殺出清xkeeypsubhgcvrvnhhcvsqxdfjy” is not particularly profound. I don’t find succor in attaining “FAST CASH with AN UNSECURED LOAN” and the last thing I’d ever want to do in this universe is furnish a donation to Mrs. Maryalice Williams of the the West Nigerian Banking and Trust.

SpamThoughts of setting my computer on an unsuspecting stump in the forest and annihilating it to bits and bytes with a US Government-issued rocket launcher are not that uncommon due to the deluge of inane and puerile emails I receive from spammers on a daily basis. Spammers and Junk flingers reside within the basest level of the Internet User infrastructure, sharing a spot with Trolls. In Dante’s Inferno, Spammers would be masticated eternally by the flagitious jowls of a three-headed Beelzebub, providing much-needed hiatuses for Brutus, Cassius and Judas. Now Scammers are at the absolute bottom rung of any Internet user hierarchy. They constitute the gelatinous scuz that resides along the inner walls of the dingiest sewer pipe in existence. Someone once told me to be nice to bacteria since it’s the only culture some people have, though Scammers do not deserve one millimeter of magnanimity and must be treated as a pestiferous pestilence that must be purged from the very face of human decency.

The only satiating way to successfully vanquish a scammer from your inbox is to scam them back. The following is a condensed series of exchanges between yours truly and Darya, a supposed Russian vixen who desperately needed money for a plane ticket to the USA in order for her and I to live together in an effervescent Jacuzzi of nacreous ecstasy until the apocalypse. If you have the time, I highly recommend attempting this method, though take heed not to divulge any of your personal information during the process.

Darya-4Hello !!!!my name is Darya! I live in R U S S I A and so many kilometers between us but now it is not problem to keep conversation! I am good waitress. My mom was abroad a few years ago, and she has told that I have to leave my country and try to live in civilization country, she thinks that I am enough pretty to live here without any chances, I don’t feel that I am beautiful like Hoolywood girls but not the worst variant, I think so. I’ve never been abroad before and I would like to visit there so much! I’m looking for a friend, lover or maybe even something serious… I’m a free bird now, I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m open to anything!!! Please if you have time and the wish to meet young lady please write me about yourself too! I am looking just for a good man who can show me new country for me, who can help me first months. I an 25 years old, I hope my age is ok for you? I will wait for your answer and I hope that you will add me in contacts list.

-Darya

Then come on over here, cutie patootie! Let’s meet up and let love be the magically magical victor! I am a velveteen guy who likes long walks on the beach and French fries with pistachio ice cream on top. I think you’re scrumptious, and I’d love to take you to a Quentin Tarantino movie on Pixie Stix. A little about me, I was trained by the Russian gymnastics team when I was 9 and have played ice hockey with polar bears in Saskatchewan since I was three. My parents are timberwolves and taught me how to basket weave at a very early age. I supply all the wicker baskets for the elves in the North Pole and I’m also Santa’s accountant. Do you like money? I hate money! It is the root of all evil! I love to swim in the Jello Jigglins Sea. Have you ever been there? It’s close to the Licorice Forest and Queen Frostine’s castle after you pass Grandma Nut’s house and Plumpy’s Orchard. My favorite candy is chocolate covered salamanders and I just love Easter because I get to hop around like a bunny rabbit and shout obscenities at shopping carts. I love music too! Anything from Scottish fiddle music to Yani, Live in Acropolis. I also love to listen to just snare drum and flute tracks and dance down the streets wearing a banana costume tossing out Hazmat suits to all the serfs in my fiefdom. Safety first, proletariats! So tell me more about yourself!

-Mike

Hello Mike! as always I am glad to see your letter and do hope that you have the same feelings when you see mine!!!!! to be fair I think I’m a lucky girl to meet such good man as you in Internet world! I hope I will be lucky enough to meet you in the real life soon! Yesterday I told my mom about you. She said that now she doesn`t worry about me as before she sees that I have met right man! Mike please forgive me but today I have not time to write long letter again, Mike you should know that after sending this email I will go home, take my packed bags and fly to Moscow! I`m really afraid to fly on a plane! I hope my plane will not fall down! It is several hours from here to Moscow. Mike I have been to Moscow before but it was a few years ago and I only remember that it is very huge and voice city with a lot of people with crazy eyes! I know that’s my dream to start a new life and I will try to turn in to reality! Soon you will hear some news from me from Moscow!!!!!!!I do hope you are really kind man and will not make me sad!??!!?!?!right!??!?I think I look enough pretty to make your friends envy,how do you think????I`m so exited we will meet soon! Please wait for me and don’t look at different girls,you know I am the best!!!(joke)

Kiss-Kiss from Darya.

I think I love you already! My sister is a didjeridu and would love to meet you, though watch out for her spiky tail! (she’s half Stegosaurus). I wear skin-tight parachute pants bedazzled with googly eyes, and ride a 1934 tricycle with giant orange safety flag, so we can motor in style, babe-o-rino! My favorite Americans are the shiny ones and when I hear the phrase “CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ARGYLE SOCK IS COOKIN’!?”, I begin convulsing with jubilation and sadness. I have to make a confession—my right arm was replaced with a cannon and I fire off the ceremonial Independence Day blast every year. I’m also Captain Jack Sparrow’s top gun. One of my favorite past times is crooning lullabies to the hick lizards that mow the underwater grass while eating tiny ogres from the enchanted Maraca forest which is only about five minutes from where my Grandma lives on the New Jersey Turnpike near the stretch where they manufacture 95% of the world’s artificial flavors and smells. Have you ever had a Pantene Pro-V smoothie? They’re delish! We should go to Newark and get one.

See you soon, Tootz!


Mike hello again ,I am here after my visit to the consulate and to the agency I am so happy to say we will meet in few days!!!! I am really lucky girl to meet you. Honey the thing is that everything is ready and I have to leave moscow on Tuesday evening but I have a little problem and I really hope you will be able to help me. I have only about 150 dollars that I expected to take with me for the first time and plus 200 $ mom sent so if you will help me with 950$ I will have enough to buy tickets and have some extra money for travel needs. Mike make a transfer by western union, I have got transfer from mom and have all the info for it and it was so easy to get.Only show my passport. You should know my rent address here is 12 Motornaya street, Moscow, Russia.119027 Remember my full name is Darya – (first name). Shlyapnikova -(last name, it’s the right writing in transliteration from russian, I was told it by manager in travel agency). I am sure when we meet we will have no regrets about it,Mike I promise.I think everything depends on you! please, honey, don’t leave me alone I’ve done so much to start this trip and I don’t want to give up.

>Travel dates for: Ms. Darya Shlyapnikova.

>The flight is – 26 January 2010.

>Price: foreign passport,visa,tax,consulate fee,ticket Eco.class.USD 1190.00+FlightAdult: 1190+
>Taxes and fees 60.00USD
>Includes a service fee.
>Total trip cost 1,250.00 USD

-Smooch, Darya

Oh no! The 26th??? I’ll be in Rhodesia microwaving a marshmallow kitten! Can we reschedge? Also, how do you expect to pay for all this shizzle??? You must be one loaded Babushka! You can’t rely on my cash flow–I’m broker than a broken baroque stock broker on Brokeback Mountain. 30,000 Russian rubles is quite a hunk of cheddar, sweet potato pie! Why don’t you sell your Pokemon cards and hop a plane to Saskatchewan and I’ll meet you by the polar bear tank on March 1st? That is my ONLY offer, so if you decide not to choose, you snooze and you lose, boo. I am SO hilarious! I make 50 cents a year doing stand-up in the Wal Mart bathroom stall by myself. Are you sure you can roll with such a celeb? I didn’t think so. Okay, so Darya, do you think you could be just a little bit hotter too? I mean, I demand excellence and when I’m gallivanting on the red carpet with Brangelina and Miley, I want to be in the presence of a Versace bag in the form of a grown female. You catch my drift, Speed Racer?

Lots of salty potato chip love!

-Mike

The aforementioned response was the straw that broke “Darya’s” back, and she finally threw in the towel. I have to give her creator an honorary Medal of Endurance, though he still deserves the terrors of Lucifer’s mouth in the long run.


Mike Perlman

Mike Perlman grew up in Nintendo Land and developed a relationship with all things electronic and nerdy early on in his childhood career. Today,...

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